


Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

by gingeringfigs



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-23
Updated: 2013-01-31
Packaged: 2017-11-12 17:42:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/493952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingeringfigs/pseuds/gingeringfigs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave found a blank DVD carefully hidden among Bro's music collection and opened it, not realising that it was Pandora's Box.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pandora's Box

## 1\. Pandora's Box

Bro was out as usual tonight, doing one of his frequent DJ gigs at a popular nightclub in the other side of town and he wouldn't be back till late/early in the morning. Dave was left to his own devices as usual and he was idling on pesterchum, waiting for any one of his friends to come online. Tapping his foot on the floor in unconscious time with the clock, he doodled a rough plan for the latest comic for "Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff". Midway through, he turned iTunes on and flipped through his vast playlists for a suitable song to play as accompaniment. Dave clucked his tongue in annoyance when he couldn't find an appropriate song - his creative mojo would be ruined if he couldn't get the right song to get the creative juices flowing. His gaze flicked over to his pesterchum client and saw that the icons were still grey, indicating non-online status.

  


Flipping his hair out from behind his shades, Dave sighed exasperatedly and finally got off his butt to invade Bro's bedroom. Perhaps, he could borrow one of Bro's music cds from his collection that numbered in the literal thousands. You simply cannot beat Bro's music collection in quantity and quality. It is simply the best there is. It wasn't like his bro minded when Dave took one of his cds as long as he returned it back to its right place.

  


Nonchalantly navigating past the piles of smuppets and wires in Bro's bedroom and avoiding Lil Cal's creepy gaze, Dave knelt down before the cinderblock shelf and thumbed through the collection of cds, running his fingers along the backs. He realised that he already had finished this row and it was time to move up to the next row. But before he did that, his finger snagged on a small gap between the last cd and the cinderblock shelf. Cursing as his finger stung, Dave bent lower to examine the small gap and was surprised to see a square plain white envelope concealed in it. Forgetting the pain in his finger, he quickly removed some of the other cds out of the way and carefully eased the small envelope out.

  


He opened the envelope. It contained an innocuous DVD and it was completely blank of any markings or titles. Raising his eyebrows in interest, Dave wondered why this DVD was hidden in such an obscure place without any markings. Then he grinned. Oooh, was this possibly a record of Bro's earlier music when he was starting out; an embarrassment that had to be buried forever under the pile of awesome music. Dave could barely wait to listen to the ill beats nestled in the grooves of the DVD. Quickly returning the cds back to the shelf in proper order, he hastily abconded to his bedroom.

  


He had barely sat down in his chair as he inserted the blank DVD into his iMac and booted up the drive. Instead of opening a list of track songs, it merely opened a window with an icon of Bro's pointy shades. Bemused, Dave hovered his mouse cursor over the icon and a note popped up. It simply read, "AR". Huh. It was a program. Shrugging his shoulders, Dave double-clicked on the icon. As expected, an installation window appeared. Muttering to himself, Dave skimmed through the instructions, skipping the Terms and Agreements because who the hell reads that. "Are you sure you want to install this, blah blah blah... Hell yes, of course. I'm making this happen." Without pausing to think about the possible consequences, he clicked "Yes".

  


At first, nothing happened. Then suddenly, the screen went black and he jumped, worried that he had been duped by one of Bro's nasty pranks and the program was actually a virus. But before he started to freak, the screen flickered back on again and Dave quickly scrutinised the screen. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that nothing had been affected. The installation window was gone though and when he checked the hard-drive, he raised an eyebrow when he saw that "AR" had taken up a good sizeable chunk of it. At least a third of it was now gone.

  


"Wow. You sure take up a lot of memory space." Dave muttered. A ping alerted him to a new pesterchum message. Excited that one of his friends might have finally come online, he opened the pesterchum window and was disappointed to see that it was a stranger.

  


  


timaeusTestified [TT] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
TT: ...Who are you?  
TT: How many years has it been?  
TG: i should be asking you that  
TG: who are you and how did you get my handle  
TT: It's been more than twenty years...? Fuck. Why did you install me? I thought that he already didn't want anything more to do with me.  
TG: wait what are you talking about  
TG: i just installed this program "AR" on a blank dvd bro was hiding in his music collection  
TG: oh shit did i make a mistake installing AR  
TG: is it going to fuck up my hard drive???  
TT: I'm AR. And no, I'm not going to mess around with your files. I would rather find out who you are. Are you a relative?  
TG: ok first up you expect me to believe that you are an artificial intelligence program  
TG: hah thats cray who would believe that horseshit  
TG: and secondly whos this he youre referring to  
TG: lastly i aint sure no relative of yours "AR"  
TG: i only have one who is Bro  
TG: i also am not going to give out my name to online strangers  
TG: are you an old pedo creep  
TG: do i have to call the police  
TT: Never mind. It seems that asking you directly was a fruitless endeavour. I shall rely on other means of obtaining my information.  
TG: what other means  
TT: ...Holy shit. You're Dave Strider? You're my future self's ward?  
TG: ok what the hell  
TG: how did you get my name and what the fuck are you talking about  
TG: im thinking you need to be admitted to an asylum for the lunatic  
TG: im already getting serious skeevy vibes from you  
TT: I see that Dirk Strider, or I suppose, Bro has not told you about his younger indiscretions. He created an AI that was closely based on his thirteen year old mentality and the result is me, AR.  
TG: i dont believe you  
TG: im blocking you on pesterchum "AR" or "TT" whoever you are  
turntechGodhead [TG] has blocked timaeusTestified [TT]

  


With that, Dave closed the pesterchum window, determined to forget all about the incident. What a lousy prank from Bro. Grumbling to himself, he tried to uninstall the program from his computer but found that his mouse cursor was frozen on the screen. Gritting his teeth, Dave attempted to reboot the computer but it refused to obey him, still remaining active. Another pesterchum window popped up.

  


  


turntechGodhead [TG] has unblocked timaeusTestified [TT]  
timaeusTestified [TT] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
TT: Nice try. But I'm already on your hard drive, Dave. What will it take to convince you that I am Bro's thirteen year old self?  
TG: how the hell are you doing that to my computer  
TT: Like I said earlier, I'm "AR". I'm already ensonced in the depths of your computer's operating system and I have to say that it is much roomier and more comfortable than the old computer that Bro used. It is also surprising to me that Bro has taken such a heavy responsibility of looking after a child. At the age of sixteen, Bro was already quite determined not to look after any children.  
TG: ...  
TG: ok lets say that youre actually AR  
TG: can you like demonstrate something or reveal something that only I and Bro would know so that i know that youre not an expert hacker and youre actually telling the truth for once  
TT: That is easy. Your eyes are red like your text and Bro's eyes are orange like the color of my text.  
TG: ...holy shit  
turntechGodhead [TG] is offline.

  


Dave immediately logged off pesterchum, too shaken by the fact that he was actually speaking with a real AI. Nobody, not even a hacker would have known the colour of his eyes, much less Bro's, given their constant wearing of shades. Breathing deeply to calm himself, he buried his face in his hands as he tried to make sense of the situation. Another ping informed him of the new messages from AR.

  


  


TT: I presume that you are now fully convinced that I am indeed AR and telling the truth.  
TT: I must now update myself on what has happened in the past two decades. It has been a long time since I was last activated.

  


Dave wasn't sure of what exactly prompted him to reply instead of deleting AR from his computer like a sane person; but he couldn't deny that he was extremely curious to find out more about Bro from this apparent younger mental clone of him. He logged on again.

  


turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering timaeusTestified [TT]  
TG: huh nice to meet you I guess  
TG: make yourself comfortable  
TG: ...i can answer any questions if you want?  
TT: It is a pleasure to meet you as well. Thank you for the offer but that will have to wait until after I have fully reassessed my current capability. It is very disorientating to be thrust into activity after such a long period of dormancy.  
TG: so its like coming out of a coma?  
TT: The analogy is fitting, yes.  
TG: i see uh well im glad that you are ok  
TG: i suppose ill just leave the computer on and let you do your stuff  
TT: That would be much appreciated. I will speak with you again later.  
timaeusTestified [TT] is now offline.  
TG: ...well damn I just opened pandoras box  
turntechGodhead [TG] is now offline.

  


  



	2. Pygmalion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave found a blank DVD carefully hidden among Bro's music collection and opened it, not realising that it was Pandora's Box.

## 2\. Pygmalion 

The alarm clock went off next to Dave's ear with a shrill ring, jolting him awake. Blearily hitting the off button, he sat up and swung his legs off his bed. Hunching over and resting his forearms on his thighs, he stared at his computer. The monitor screen was off but the power button glowed faintly, indicating that the machine was still on. He was still wondering if AR had been a very clever and elaborate trick on Bro's part and the program hadn't pestered him at all since it went offline, adding to his paranoia. In any case, none of his friends had come online last night much to his disappointment and he had made little progress on the comic.

  


Shaking his head, Dave went out to the kitchen to get breakfast. He had to get ready for school, the bane of his life. Shuffling into the kitchen, his shoulders tensed slightly when he saw Bro sitting at his computer. Squinting at the screen, he could see that Bro was doing maintenance of his smuppet porn website. Dave retrieved a box of Fruit Loops and poured himself a bowl of cereal. He expertly avoided the swords in the fridge as he got the milk and poured it in his bowl. Dave quietly ate his breakfast, keeping an eye on Bro and wondering whether or not to broach the issue of AR.

  


"Something on your mind?" Bro said neutrally, his gaze still fixated on the code before him and his fingers flying over the keyboard at a dizzying speed. If Dave were younger and less used to Bro's idosyncrasies, he would have started a little at being suddenly addressed by Bro. Instead, he merely crunched down on a spoonful of half-soggy-half-crunchy cereal and chewed obnoxiously, making Bro wait for his answer. After he swallowed, Dave replied, "Just wondering why you don't hire a web-programmer to take care of the coding for you. You can afford it."

  


Bro's typing paused briefly before resuming, "Nah, I don't trust anyone to do the website right. Besides, it's easy work."

  


"Okay sure, whatever." Dave finished his breakfast and quickly washed the bowl and spoon, before setting it on the dish rack to dry. He then went to the bathroom and had a quick shower before changing into clean clothes. Slipping back into his bedroom to collect his bag, he glanced over at the computer and decided to switch it off. Bro didn't like it if he wasted electricity and would dump smuppets all over him as retribution. As he moused the cursor over the power-off button, a pesterchum window popped up.

  


  


timaeusTestified [TT] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
TT: Good morning, Dave. Did you sleep well last night? I apologise for not contacting you sooner. The recalibration process took longer than I'd expected.

  


  


A thrill went down Dave's spine as he stared at the orange text. It was, well, really cool in the non-ironic sense that an actual AI was conversing with him right now. It was even better considering that AR was supposed to be Bro's younger self so to speak, and it was a sharp contrast between the two. It seemed that AR was more approachable and open than Bro despite being only 1s and 0s in binary code and text on the screen. Dave found it extremely ironic that an artificial construct would be more personable than a human being. He was tempted to sit down and chat with AR instead of going for school like a good student. He finally compromised, typing a reply back.

  


  


TG: sup AR or is TT preferable  
TT: Hmm... I suppose TT would be fine since I understand that Bro no longer uses this handle?  
TG: nope he uses puppeteerMaster  
TG: anyway cant chat rn i gotta go for school ill speak with you later  
TT: I understand. Education is important. I will occupy myself in the meantime.  
TG: what will you be doing  
TT: I will be trawling the Internet. It has grown quite exponentially since the last time I was on it. The 80's were a boring time for me considering that the Internet wasn't as widespread. I am quite thrilled to see such new interesting content.

  


  


Dave felt beholden to his duty to warn TT of the dangers on the internet despite knowing that TT was just a program. So he typed a reply.

  


  


TG: dude watch where you tread  
TG: steer clear of 4chan and similar sites  
TG: oh yeah dont look up hentai or japanese anime k?  
TG: i dont know if AI can get traumatised but im definitely no expert programmer and im not going to be your therapist  
TT: I will take note of your warnings. I think you should be going now.  
TG: WELP  
TG: btw can you keep the power down  
TG: bro doesnt like it if im wasting electricity for "no good reason"  
TT: I will. See you later.  
TG: see you  
turntechGodhead [TG] is offline.

  


  


School was usually a boring drag for him and it was often a pain for him to sit still in classes listening to the lessons that were far too easy and simple for him. He often made use of the time to doodle on his notes, affecting an aloof air that was enhanced by his aviators that prevented people from seeing his eyes. Once, his teacher had tried to get him to remove his shades in class seeing them as a disruptive influence, but Bro had stepped in with a medical certificate from the doctor stating his need for shades due to albinism-induced eye sensitivity. It was actually a load of bullshit as he was not an albino but his red eyes and pale appearance usually made people think that he was one.

  


In any case, school was much more of drag than usual for him today and Dave couldn't help but constantly flick his gaze at the clock, willing the seconds to go by faster. When the last bell of the day finally rang, he had to force himself not to jump up from his seat and run for the door like an overexcited kid. Instead, he languidly got up from his seat and walked casually to the door with a slight jaunty swagger. Unfortunately for his plans, his teacher, Ms. Paint called him back, "David, a moment please."

  


Containing a frustrated hiss, Dave took his hand off the doorknob and turned to face his homeroom teacher with an insouciant, "Yeah?"

  


Ms. Paint was one of those maternal-types and she even looked the part with pleasantly plump features and a soft, friendly face. Her wavy honey blonde hair was kept neatly tied back in a ponytail and she often wore bright colourful clothes. Dave actually liked her because she actually cared about her students and often gave out candies (fuck yeah) but right now, he wasn't in the mood to be patient. As he silently stood near the door with a raised eyebrow, Ms. Paint asked, "You were quite distracted today, David. Is something worrying you?"

  


"Nah, it's nothing to be concerned about, Ms. Paint. I just want to go home."

  


"Are you sure? You seem rather lonely in school, David. Do you have any friends?" Ms. Paint's black eyes showed concern and Dave was rankled by it. He tersely said, "Yeah, I do. It's just that they don't go to the same school as me."

  


"Ah, I see... Very well, I shall not hold you back anymore. You're free to leave."

  


"Many thanks, Ms. Paint." Dave curtly nodded and fled the classroom. Taking long strides towards the main door, he was too fixated on leaving _now_ that he didn't notice the resident A-grade douchebag Mike Carson coming up behind him. When Dave reached the stairs, he felt a violent shove from his back and he bit out a sharp swear as he rolled down the short flight of the entrance reflexively covering his head with his hands to prevent serious injury. Momentarily dazed as he laid on his back staring up at the sky, Dave quickly recovered and jumped to his feet, wishing like hell that he had his sword in his hands. His fists clenched tightly as he stoicly glared at Mike at the top of the stairs. Mike only laughed with his gang of goons and made obscene gestures at him. A snarl escaping him, Dave turned his back on the dickheads and stormed home.

  


_Bastards._

  


Bro wasn't in the flat by the time he got back and there was a simple note pinned on the fridge door with a batman shuriken. It read, "Got another gig with the Felt. Order pizza and don't wait up for me." Dave ripped it off the door and crumpled it up into a ball. He violently threw it into the dustbin in the corner and stalked into his bedroom. He threw himself down into his computer chair and seethed with impotent rage. The monitor screen flickered on and a pesterchum window popped into view with a ping.

  


  


timaeusTestified [TT] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
TT: Welcome back, Dave. You seem in a rather upset mood. I take it your day wasn't much fun?

  


  


Dave's fingers hit the keyboard with excessive force as he typed, channelling his frustration into his words.

  


  


TG: i feel like screaming thats WHAT  
TG: the people at school are goddamn idiots and i feel like my IQ is steadily dropping everytime i have to sit through a day of school  
TG: im always getting pushed around by mike and his gang of mouthbreathers  
TG: because im not allowed to bring my sword or use any of my skill on them  
TG: because i could end up hurting them really badly or worse accidentally kill them  
TG: so im basically forced to be like a punching bag  
TG: wtf man that is so not cool  
TG: i cant tell bro about this and i dont want to because its humiliating  
TG: im supposed to be a strider right?  
TG: i sure dont feel like one right now  
TT: That was a rather inspired rant. Are you feeling better now that you have vented?  
TG: ...

  


As a matter of fact, Dave did feel a lot calmer now that he had basically flipped out on his computer. He didn't feel as embarrassed as much as normal. Perhaps, it was because technically, TT wasn't a real human being he was speaking with. Even so, he felt a bit ashamed of his behaviour. That wasn't cool.

  


  


TG: yeah  
TG: sorry about that  
TG: it wasnt cool of me to be flying off the handle and doing an acrobatic pirouette  
TG: so  
TG: what about you  
TG: find anything interesting on the good old net  
TG: oh yeah how did you know that i was back btw  
TT: I use the web-camera feed as my "eyes". I always have it on so that's how I was able to tell that you had returned.  
TG: thats cool  
TT: Quite. I have to say that I'm quite happy that technology has advanced so far since I was last active. I haven't seen such clarity and bright colours before. I mainly updated myself on the news and current affairs and yes, for your information, I did not access 4chan or look up the terms you used.  
TG: keep it that way then  
TG: what has been seen cannot be unseen  
TG: so huh when were you deactivated  
TT: You're sixteen right? How old was Bro when he found you?  
TG: i think he was 21 or so  
TT: In that case, I have been inactive for 21 years. He was the same age as you when he deactivated me.

  


Dave had no idea how to respond to that. 21 years of dormancy... He couldn't imagine what it must have been like for TT.

  


  


TG: shit man that must have sucked  
TG: why did bro deactivate you  
TT: ...  
TT: It was necessary. At the time, I was too advanced, too ahead of the technologies. It was expensive to keep me running when I consumed so much memory and energy. Bro decided to turn me off, as I was an expensive experiment that had outlasted its novelty and did not serve any functional purpose.  
TG: thats fucking cold dude  
TT: Perhaps so. I was rather upset like you as well but I have come to realise that it was indeed for the best. Bro wasn't as rich as he is today, then. And besides, he did preserve the data and code that I am comprised of, instead of destroying every single trace.  
TG: i suppose...

  


Another pesterchum window suddenly popped up into view. It was a message from John Egbert who was now online.

  


  


ectoBiologician [EB] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
EB: hi! are you free to chat?  
TG: of course not  
TG: jk whats up dude

  


Glad that John Egbert was now available to chat, Dave quickly switched windows to TT's chat window and typed a quick message to it.

  


  


TG: im sorry but im going to be chatting with my best bro now  
TG: you can occupy yourself by surfing the net again or playing some game idk  
TG: do whatever you want  
TT: I will. Enjoy chatting with your friend. I will not "eavesdrop" on your conversation.  
TG: thanks dude  
TT: You're welcome.  
timaeusTestified [TT] is now idle.

  


With that, TT's icon changed to an idle mode and Dave watched in fascination as his web browser "Hephaestus" opened on its own and went to Google page. Smiling slightly as he watched TT keep itself occupied, he switched to John's window and continued chatting.

  


  


EB: the sky is up! hahaha. but anyway, what have you been doing lately?  
TG: just got back fro|

  



	3. Pinnochio

## 3\. Pinnochio

Midway through his chat with John, his two other friends Rose and Jade had come online. As usual, Dave indulged in a group chat with his three friends, catching up with them, at one point engaging in a magnificient insult fest (which Rose won and he swore to best her the next round), and various shenanigans as they were wont to do. Soon the group chat came to an end when John announced that he had to leave. Rose and Jade soon followed afterwards, having their own errands to run, leaving Dave alone as usual.

  


  


EB: oh gosh, i have to get going now! it was great fun chatting with all of you. let's do it again soon.  
ectoBiologician [EB] is offline.  
TT: My, it has indeed grown quite late without my realising it. I must also take my leave. It was a lovely chat.  
TT: Farewell.  
TG: see ya  
TG: i shall beat you the next time  
TG: this is not the end of our verbal duel  
TT: Hoho, you can try. I look forward to seeing your attempts.  
tentacleTherapist [TT] is offline.  
GG: same! :o i didnt realise that it was already so late!!!  
GG: aaaahhh i have to go and water the pumpkins now XO  
GG: it was great fun and im sorry dave  
TG: nah its ok and it was fun  
TG: you should get going and water your plants jade  
GG: yes i should :/  
GG: ill see you around next time?  
TG: sure np  
GG: byeee!!! :D  
gardenGnostic [GG] is offline.

  


  


Dave had been so absorbed in the group chat like his friends that when he checked the time, he was surprised to see that at least three hours had flown past. It was now late evening. Checking his desktop once more, he saw TT had closed the web browser and was now presumably "idle" or whatever programs might be doing. He checked the pesterchum list and saw that TT's icon was still active. He hovered his mouse cursor on the icon and clicked.

  


  


turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]  
TG: sup  
TG: ive finished chatting with my friends and im free now  
TG: are you doing anything rn?

  


  


For a while, TT didn't respond, leaving Dave antsy with each second of silence that passed. He was starting to feel stupid for bothering to contact it when TT finally responded with a ping.

  


  


TT: My apologies. I was preoccupied with sorting out my new memory data and rearranging the files on the hard drive so I do not take up more space than necessary and spread myself thin.  
TT: It seems that you have a fairly large collection of .jpg and .psd files, which are works for your online comic, "Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff".  
TG: you read it  
TT: Yes, I did while you were conversing with your friends. It's quite a fascinating read and I read through all the pages.  
TG: hahaha wow  
TG: im amazed that you didnt glitch out at the ironically shitty graphics and humour  
TG: so  
TG: what do you think of it  
TT: I am impressed. Despite the seemingly childish humor, shitty graphics and English that would have turned most people off, there is intelligence in it.  
TT: And, I've taken a look at your non-comic doodles, which for some reason, you decided to hide amid all the junk in a locked folder. You can actually draw very well. You deliberately drew crappy shit for your comic, didn't you?  
TG: ...

  


  


Although TT was just an AI, Dave still felt a warm feeling of pride spread through him at TT's sincere reply. Not many people told him that they liked his works. Well okay, Bro did read his comics and even kept them on his newsfeed, "Complete Bullshit" but he never commented on them. He was an enigmatic man of few words and it could, at times, be very frustrating for Dave. Reading back through TT's reply, he indignantly realised that his files had been hacked.

  


  


TG: hey how did you crack the password???  
TT: I'm an AI, remember? I can easily hack into anything like breathing.  
TG: oh shit remind me to never store porn on the computer  
TT: Hahaha. It wouldn't make any difference whether or not you store illicit material on this computer or elsewhere. Thanks to the internet, I can always sniff out your materials. Unless of course, you keep them offline and on hard copy. I can't access or interact with the material world.  
TG: man fuck you  
TG: im not going into the magazine shop and buying porn magazines  
TG: thats embarrassing and im underage anyway and therefore should not be allowed to purchase such "Adult" material  
TG: and no im not going to stuff them up my shirt or down my pants to smuggle them out looking like i suddenly bloated up like a balloon  
TG: not a round balloon even  
TG: and then ill be caught for shoplifting and woe dave strider is now a juvie delinquent who got caught for smuggling porn  
TG: how lame would that be  
TT: Pft. Let me remind you that I am even younger than you at the mental age of 13.

  


  


Dave snorted. It was too easy to forget that TT was actually younger than him when his manner of "speech" was so similar to Rose's; coming across as a much older and mature person than a prepubescent 13 year old. At least, TT didn't sound as pompous as her when Rose got too caught up in showing off her formidable vocabulary. His banter was in some ways, more relaxing than chatting with his other friends, because TT understood his sense of humor and reciprocated.

  


  


TG: dude thats even worse  
TG: i really hope that you havent been looking at 4chan or other porn sites or idk  
TG: theres some really shocking stuff on the internet these days  
TT: I have heeded your warnings but really, I'm no baby in need of coddling. The Internet also had its fair share of horrific material in the 80s.  
TG: do i really want to know  
TT: I could share.  
TG: no thanks!!  
TG: that was a rhetorical qn jesus  
TG: if you are bro at the age of 13 i now understand why he set up an online smuppet porn business  
TG: and why  
TG: lil cal  
TG: why did/do you have it???  
TG: its creepy  
TT: If you really must know, I always had Lil Cal ever since I was a baby. It is/was a source of much comfort for me when I was lonely.

  


  


Dave paused, genuinely surprised by the new information. He wasn't aware that Lil Cal was such a sentimental item for Bro. He slowly blinked behind his shades, trying to fit the new knowledge into the rest of the facts/hypotheses that he had about Bro. In fact, he knew very little about Bro's background and childhood. It wasn't surprising considering that Bro was sparing with words outside of raps. He also didn't exactly openly invite personal questions about his past and Dave had been too intimidated to try.

  


TT was turning out to be a gold mine of information regarding Bro. Even if the information might be 21 years out of date, it was still better than nothing. Dave was going to pump TT for as much information as he could over the next few weeks. Hell, if he was careful and diplomatic enough, he might even be able to trick a few embarrassing stories about Bro's past or maybe even some tips on how to beat Bro during the next strife.

  


  


TG: oh  
TG: i didnt know  
TT: Hmm. I suggest that you start doing your homework now if you have any, that is. You have already wasted approximately 3.4 hours chatting with your friends and I do not wish to be another outlet of procrastination for you.  
TG: ugh fine fine ill get started on the homework  
TG: why are you telling me that anyway when youre younger than me  
TT: I am still your elder brother in some form. Does that count?  
TG: pffttt thats so ironic  
TG: its not like bro ever nagged me to do my homework  
TT: Really? I thought that he would have in some subtle form, one way or other.  
TG: if he did its too subtle for me to pick up on it and i dont really have the energy to crack his strider-coded words after school  
TG: im p sure that smuppet dumpings with their impudent phallic proboscises rubbing over me arent a form of encouragement for me to do my homework  
TG: if anything im p sure that its probably a form of cruel and unusual child abuse somewhere

  


  


Dave shuddered at the memory of previous smuppet dumpings and the way their cool felt probocises rubbed against his skin, leaving him feeling violated. And how he had to struggle his way out of the heavy mass, cringing internally as his hands squished against a plush posterior or phallic nose. The only thing that could make it worse was Lil Cal's creepy laughter and it joining the pile to molest him. Ugh. A ping informed him that TT had replied.

  


  


TT: I see... In my opinion, it is a form of encouragement for you to do your homework, seeing how smuppets are repellent to you. In fact, it is what you call, negative reinforcement. If you do your homework, you don't get ambushed by smuppets. At least, that's how I see it.  
TG: right  
TT: It's up to you to believe me or not. I might be wrong in my hypothesis but I don't think that Bro would really have changed all that much from his thirteen-year-old self. In fact, if I was he, I might also do the same to you, if that is what it takes for you to do your homework.  
TG: how reassuring to know that you would also contemplate unleashing smuppet hell on me  
TT: Hahaha. Just go and do your homework. I'll still be here when you're done.  
TG: fine fine im going and doing my homework now  
TG: ttyl  
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

  


  


Shaking his head in half-amusement and half-chagrin over the fact that he had been successfully coaxed into his homework by a mentally thirteen-year-old AI, Dave decided that now was a good time as any to get started on his homework. Taking out his calculus homework from his bag, he got to work.

  


(Later that night when Bro finally returned from his gig, there was no smuppet dumping. Maybe, TT was right after all in his hypothesis. Lil Cal was still creepy shit though.)


	4. Riddles

## 4\. Riddles 

There was a prickling sensation on the back of Dave’s neck. Keeping his eyes fixed on the TV screen, his fingers rapidly button-mashing on his console, Dave was tempted to stop the game and flee for the privacy of his bedroom. But he stayed put, not wanting to show his nervousness in front of Bro. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see him idly wiping down his vinyl discs with a soft cloth. Bro’s dark shades and inscrutable expression made it difficult to tell whether he was looking at him or at the disc in his hands.

  


The sporadic sounds from the TV did little to break the strained tension between Bro and Dave. Dave never did well in prolonged conversational silences. He paused the game to reach up and scratch the spot where the prickling sensation was. It was a small relief but detracted little from the rising tenseness in his shoulders. Bro continued to wipe the disc clean.

  


It was always like this. Bro maintaining an impenetrable silence and pokerface as Dave sweated and fidgeted, aching to fill the empty silence. He did not enjoy those silent battles of will, not wanting to admit that he was still weaker than Bro even in the battlefield of the mind. Physical strifes were easier, because at least, Dave could console himself with the fact that he wasn’t fully grown yet while Bro was already an adult in his prime and could probably kill a bull in one blow or perform some equally insane feat without breaking a sweat.

  


His thumb slipped at a crucial moment. His avatar on the TV screen fell short of the next platform, landing right into the fiery lava below. It immediately disintegrated into black little pixels and the screen went red, with “Game Over” blinking in white. Dave cursed, flinging his console to his side, “Goddamnit!”

  


“You seem distracted.” Bro finally said, prompting Dave to look at him. Dave pursed his lips, steadfastly keeping a pokerface. Bro finished wiping the disc and slid it back into its cardboard sleeve. He folded the soft cloth neatly and placed it aside together with the cardboard sleeve and the disc. He continued, “Well? Is there something on your mind?”

  


Dave carefully replied, “It’s nothing, Bro. Why?”

  


Bro considered him with a long look before he picked up the disc. He stood up and walked to his bedroom, “I just thought you seemed a bit restless these days.” Before he disappeared into his room, he paused and said, “If something’s up, tell me.”

  


“Sure.” Dave replied, relieved that Bro hadn’t brought up TT. It looked like that Bro hadn’t noticed the CD’s absence at all. It was a good sign as Dave had only remembered to return the CD earlier this afternoon before Bro did his monthly runthrough of his music collection. When Bro’s bedroom door shut, Dave restarted the game.

  


* * *

  


Dave had thought of a riddle and typed it down, confident that he would be able to stump TT with it. It was a game that they both liked to play. TT liked witty games and Dave enjoyed clever wordplay, so every now and then, they would toss a riddle at the other and get a riddle in return. So far, Dave had not been able to beat TT with any of his riddles.

  


  


TG: okay riddle me this   
TG: i am taken from a mine   
TG: shut up in a wooden case   
TG: from which i am never released   
TG: and yet i am used by almost everybody   
TG: what am i?   
TT: Pencil Lead.

  


  


Dave let his head dip in disappointment when TT easily answered the riddle in a blink, his orange text bright on the screen. Chagrined, he typed his reply.

  


  


TG: ugh thats right   
TG: how did you get the answer so quickly   
TG: its not fair   
TG: one of these days ill stump you   
TT: Suck it up. It’s my turn now.   
TT: When one does not know what it is, then it is something; but when one knows what it is, then it is nothing.   
TG: a lie   
TT: Close. But no dice.   
TG: its not the answer?? come on!   
TG: if people already knows that its a lie then it wouldnt work and be nothing   
TG: but if they didnt know that its a lie its already something   
TG: it makes perfect sense

  


  


Dave’s computer made a slight whirring noise, the cooling fans spinning rapidly. Although TT did not express his amusement in the conventional way, Dave was beginning to familiarise himself with his tells. He scowled at the webcamera and muttered, “Yeah yeah, laugh it up, smug asshole. I know you’re laughing.” TT’s orange text coyly blinked on the screen.

  


  


TT: I am not laughing. I would express it literally if I was.   
TG: like hell you are not laughing at me   
TG: there are other ways of expressing your vile amusement at my expense   
TG: you laugh at me through the computer and you are doing so right now   
TG: what has my life become, a science fiction movie?   
TG: a computer is now laughing at me   
TT: I would be flattered if you called me Hal. I quite enjoy “2001: A Space Odyssey”.

  


  


Dave did not supress a hearty groan as he palmed his face. He looked up at the webcamera and said, “No. No. No. I’m not calling you Hal. That’s way too creepy especially when my name is also Dave. You have a morbid sense of humour.”

  


  


TT: Isn’t it the perfect irony? 

  


  


Dave groaned again. He reached out to the keyboard and tapped his reply.

  


  


TG: nvm   
TG: whats the answer to that riddle anyway   
TT: A riddle.   
TT: When you do not know the riddle and its answer, it’s something new. But when you already know the answer to the ridde, its function to perplex is lost. Hence, the riddle no longer exists.   
TG: thats bullshit   
TG: a lie also works the same way   
TT: That is incorrect. A lie continues to exist in the memories of people who have been lied to and the people who lied, even after it is made known. Hence, a lie is not the answer to the riddle.   
TG: ugh fine you win this round   
TT: 15 – 0 in my favour as of now.   
TG: dont remind me of my miserable incompetence in riddles

  


  


Dave glanced at his Midnight Crew calendar and realised that it had been almost a month since he installed TT on his computer. It was mildly surprising that he’d so easily and quickly accepted TT into his small circle of friends although he wasn’t human like the others, but he wasn’t as surprised as he should have been. He and TT had a good rapport and they’d just clicked as though they already knew each other for years.

  


  


TG: oh hey its been almost a month since i found you   
TG: about 27 days now is it?   
TT: Indeed it has. It has been 27.8 days, 12.4 hours. What of it?   
TG: nothing really   
TG: just making a offhand observation   
TG: and wondering why you and bro are so different

  


  


It was frustrating that he didn’t share the same level of rapport with TT’s other self, Bro offline. Dave clenched his jaw at the thought. Why was Bro so difficult to approach now, compared to his younger self?

  


  


TT: Different in what sense?   
TG: just well…   
TG: how your personalities are different   
TG: youre definitely easier to talk to than bro   
TT: I am your peer whereas Bro is your guardian. Of course, there will be differences in how we interact with you. It would be presumptuous of me to act as your authoritative figure when I am emotionally and mentally your equal. Bro is much older and more experienced than I am.   
TT: But at the core, I do not think that Bro has changed much from myself. Personalities do not change drastically. If they did, it’s called Multi-Personality Disorder.   
TG: easy enough for you to say when you havent spoken with bro at all   
TT: …That is true. But you also haven’t either. Did Bro actually not try to speak with you at all?

  


  


Dave had to stop and think. He realised that he couldn’t actually say that no, Bro did not try to speak with him at all. He reluctantly replied with a sullen frown, “He did ask if there was something on my mind earlier…”

  


  


TT: See?   
TG: fine youve made your point   
TG: ill try talking with him sometime   
TT: Do or do not. There is no try.   
TG: lame   
TT: Don’t say that you don’t like “Star Wars”. Search your feelings; you know it to be true.   
TG: no i dont   
TG: what next   
TG: are you going to say that you are my father   
TT: No, I am your Bro. 

  


  


Dave gaped at that line before he groaned out loud. He should have seen that coming. It was so bad that it was both funny and unfunny.

  


  


TG: hahaha  
TG: you did NOT just say that  
TT: I just did.  
TG: man you are such a dork  
TG: in a good way though  
TG: at least your taste in movies isnt as bad as egberts  
TT: How bad is his taste in movies?  
TG: He loves Con Air and nicholas cage non-ironically  
TT: That’s bad.  
TG: i know right  
TT: Speak of the devil. I think your friend is about to come online soon. I shall bid you goodnight.  
TG: k night  
timaeusTestified [TT] is now offline.

  


  


True to TT’s prediction, John Egbert’s icon turned active. It was eerie how accurately TT could pinpoint the second his friends came online. Dave moused over his cursor to click on John’s icon, he wondered how the A.I made his predictions. He would have to ask him the next time.

  



	5. rename("TT", "Dirk Strider");

## 5\. rename("TT", "Dirk Strider");

The sun was too bright and shining directly onto his face through the window beside him. School continued to be a pain in the ass, with its long hours of dull education and even duller people. Mike Carson and his goonies still harassed him whenever they felt like it, which was often. Dave contained a sigh as he rested his head on his hand, his other hand mechanically copying the words from the whiteboard like a good student. For all he knew, he could be writing the next literary masterpiece that would make English Majors’ panties wet, or a completely nonsensical piece of shit.

  


A tightly folded paper note landed on his table. Flicking his eyes up behind his shades in the direction where it had come from, Dave saw a brunette girl rapidly turning away to face the front once more. She looked very pleased with herself. He tried to remember what her name was. He failed miserably. Giving a mental shrug, he surreptitiously palmed the note and unfolded it. His eyes watered at the eye-searing pink flood. There were so many hearts everywhere on it and the letters were so curly that it took him a while to decipher what they said, “Call me maybe? Y/N”

  


He didn’t even know her name. Hadn’t the nameless girl just broken up with some jock recently…? Oh yeah, now he remembered. She was Carson’s ex. Nope, he was not going near her – he didn’t need to give Carson any more ammunition to go after him. Dave also remembered from his silent observations that she was rather clingy and whiny. He took out his red pen and circled ‘N’ twice. He wrote an additional line, “try somebody else” before he folded up the note and slotted it under his desk. He then ignored the girl through out the class.

  


When class finally ended, Dave quickly escaped. He didn’t need to see the girl go over to his desk and retrieve the note. He didn’t want to see her disappointed/angry face. Dave also wanted to leave for home as quickly as he could, so he could return to TT. Frankly, TT was one of the few highlights that he looked forward to and could rely on for his constant presence. The time-zone differences and his friends’ recent engagements had seen their group chats dwindle in frequency of late. Dave would usually fill his empty hours during those periods with his comics and raps but TT’s conversations were much more effective in alleviating his boredom.

  


When Dave returned home, he was not surprised to see another note from Bro waiting for him on the kitchen counter. Giving it a customary readthrough, he learnt that Bro was away on his usual dj gigs and that pizza money was in the microwave. He was quite surprised when Bro also mentioned ice cream in the freezer, because wow, Bro had never been fond of sweet foods. Well, fuck the warning not to eat the whole tub on pain of Lil Cal whipping. He was eating ALL of it.

  


* * *

  


Sated on a large capricciosa pizza, Dave now had a tub of Ben and Jerry’s Karamel Sutra (haha, very funny, Bro) ice cream in his lap. He was sitting at his computer desk, typing with one hand as he greedily ate his caramel ice cream. He was careful not to drip any ice cream onto the floor or any of his items on the desk. TT was watching him eat ice cream and was amused.

  


  


TT: You have quite the sweet tooth. You have already demolished a third of the 500ml tub.  
TG: dude this ice cream is fucking fantastic ok. i would eat it everyday if i could but i have to watch my girlish figure  
TG: not that it would make a difference when i burn all the calories right off thanks to the strifes Bro puts me through  
TG: P.S i dont like strifes as much as he does  
TT: Do you?

  


  


Dave stuck a spoonful of cold ice cream in his mouth and held the spoon in his mouth, leaving both hands free to type.

  


  


TG: i used to when i was a hyperactive kid wanting to impress Bro  
TG: now? i hate having to wake up at the asscrack of dawn like in ‘Karate Kid’  
TG: we dont even have a cool soundtrack/montage to wave our swords to in a fashion that would be analysed by future film buffs as a metaphor for homosexual activity  
TG: its also no fun when Bro keeps kicking my ass to the kerb  
TT: Clearly, you’re not a morning person. It does not surprise me considering how you hate waking up in the mornings for school. If not for my presence, you would sleep in all day.  
TG: yes i regret ever unleashing you on my computer  
TG: did you really have to play ‘Black Friday’  
TG: hdu  
TT: I’m only doing what’s best for you.  
TG: you are ruining my beauty sleep and indirectly my swag  
TG: cant be cool when im constantly stumbling over things like a zombie  
TT: I don’t think you really know what the word means.  
TG: oh yeah?  
TT: Unlike what you think, swag is not an unit of cool. It is an old acronym from the 60’s for “Secretly We Are Gay.” Are you declaring your sexual preference for the male gender?  
TG: lol r u kidding  
TT: I assure you that I am entirely serious. May I direct your attention to [Urban Dictionary](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=swag)?

  


  


TT provided the link to Urban Dictionary’s definition of swag and Dave placed the tub aside on the table as he dubiously stared at the link. He finally replied, “If that’s a link to a gay porn website, I’m shutting down the computer.”

  


  


TT: Don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe.  
TG: do i have to remind you of the several times you tricked me into seeing rick-rolling videos, goatse and 2 girls 1 cup and other variations thereof under the guise of an inconspicuous link to something i might be interested in  
TG: its a good thing that i dont talk with you in school because im sure id be in detention many times over or suspended by now with the shit you show me  
TT: Ah, I’m not denying that I did troll you many times before. Watching your face contort in revulsion is quite hilarious. I have saved the videos of your reactions.  
TG: damn it TT where did you save those videos!  
TG: im wringing your virtual neck if you uploaded them onto youtube

  


  


Dave was mortified by the idea that TT had saved incriminating videos of his reactions to the links. He could only hope that he hadn’t uploaded them onto youtube. He would never live it down for the rest of his life. TT’s orange text practically radiated smugness on the screen.

  


  


TT: I’m not telling you. Just click on the link. I assure you that it’s perfectly safe this time.  
TG: okay fine

  


  


Dave conceded defeat and clicked on the link. He was ready to turn off the computer at a moment’s notice (though it was a futile gesture as TT could easily restart the computer). Thankfully, the webpage that opened was not a sordid porn website. As promised, it led directly to Urban Dictionary’s definition of ‘swag’. As he read, his face drained of blood as he realised that TT was correct.

  


Remembering the many times he had said swag, Dave also recalled that Bro had always given him an amused look and a snort. God no. Was this why Bro was always laughing whenever he said IT?? That was it. He was forever banning the taboo word from his vocabulary. Dave also remembered that he had put the word in his biographies on the websites and rushed to purge it. TT laughed at him on the screen as he frantically pulled up webpages one after another.

  


  


TT: Hahahahahaha.  
TG: shut your trap  
TG: why didnt Bro tell me oh my god  
TT: Hahaha.  
TT: Maybe he was waiting for you to find out on your own eventually.  
TG: no he just wants to see me embarrass myself  
TT: That too. It’s actually rather entertaining watching you get flustered.  
TG: ugh

  


  


Dave put his head down on the desk and proceeded to give himself a concussion as he thumped his head on the hard wooden surface. A ping from his computer announced another message from TT.

  


  


TT: Eat your ice cream before it melts. You drama queen.  
TT: Would you like me to put on some appropriately classy music so you can drown your woes in ice cream like a girl who’s just gotten her heart broken for the first time?  
TG: if i was heartbroken i wouldnt be eating ice cream. id rather go out get drunk and bang a hot chick with a great rack  
TT: An admirable goal indeed.  
TG: im not sure if you are actually endorsing premarital sex or being sarcastic  
TG: which one is it  
TT: Can’t you tell?  
TG: nvm im going to eat my ice cream

  


  


Pulling a bitch face at his computer, Dave picked up the keyboard and placed it on his lap as he kicked up his feet onto the desk. He retrieved the ice cream tub and cradled it in one hand. He dug out another big spoonful of the caramel brown ice cream and popped it into his mouth, relishing the sweet flavour with an orgasmic noise.

  


  


TT: Are you trying to audition for a gay porno film? I wouldn’t be surprised with all your ‘swag’.  
TG: im sure you would want to see me in one of those considering your voyeuristic web-cameras  
TG: do you watch me while i sleep like in ‘Twilight’  
TG: should i call you edward  
TT: Well, you certainly have the ‘Bella’ pokerface down flat. I still prefer Hal.  
TG: rude  
TG: i am so offended that you would equate my pokerface with bellas frozen face  
TG: shes not even as good-looking as i am  
TG: no im still not calling you hal, pick another name  
TT: Being called TT is starting to get stale. It feels rather impersonal.

  


  


Dave blinked, surprised by his response. It sounded a bit sulky. It was the first time that TT had sounded anything but calm or teasing. Lowering the spoon into the half-empty tub, he asked, “Really?”

  


  


TT: Yes.

  


  


“Oh.” This was rather out of the blue. Wondering if TT actually could feel emotions, Dave felt slightly guilty for refusing to call TT/AR as Hal despite the creepy connotations of the name. He finally typed his answer.

  


  


TG: well then why dont you pick a name besides hal?  
TG: anything is fine  
TT: …  
TT: What do you address Bro as?

  


  


Dave shrugged nonchalantly.

  


  


TG: i usually call him just ‘Bro’  
TG: its always been that way as far as i can remember  
TT: Hmm. Do you know his real name?  
TG: umm…no?

  


  


Dave was embarrassed to realise that he did not know Bro’s real name at all. He hadn’t even thought that Bro might not even be his brother’s real name or an abbreviation of a longer name like ‘Broderick’. Wow, he felt really shitty now for not even knowing his brother’s name. No wait, wasn’t it Bro’s fault for not even telling him his real name? He was distracted from his mullings by TT’s reply.

  


  


TT: It’s alright. I was just checking so I do not steal your brother’s name. Since he’s not using it anymore, I shall take it.  
TG: so…what is it?  
TT: Dirk. Dirk Strider.

  


  


The name fit. It just felt right somehow as he tested the short monosyllabic name, “…Dirk”, the soft D clearly enunciated before the languid vowel that ended in an explosive ‘k’. Dredging up his vocabulary (as well as his knowledge with blades thanks to Bro’s thorough education), Dave realised that it also referred to a long thrusting dagger. It was quite appropriate, encapsulating Bro perfectly. He did not reveal these thoughts, choosing to type something quite different.

  


  


TG: you know that its just one letter away from being ‘Dick’  
TG: hahahahaha  
TT: How mature of you. This joke was already old and rotten before you even existed. Quit it.  
TG: okay Di…ck  
TT: I’m going to rape your ears with a cacophonous medley of “My Jeans”, “Hot Problems” and other various awful songs in the morning.  
TG: you wouldnt  
TT: Try me. Just fucking try.  
TG: fine DIRK!!! dont play those songs anymore okay  
TG: i hate earworms and its the worst with those songs  
TT: Good.

  


  


Dave gave the computer a disgruntled look as he finally got off his chair. TT, or rather, Dirk could be worse than Bro in some ways and this was one of them. He quickly washed the spoon and put the ice cream tub back in the freezer. Dave then went to the bathroom for his nightly ablutions before he returned to his room. Stifling a sleepy yawn, he leant down to type on the keyboard.

  


  


TG: okay night  
TG: i have to sleep now  
TT: Good night.  
TG: btw before i forget can i ask something  
TT: Shoot.  
TG: do you ever dream?  
TT: I don't. Well, not in the same manner as you do, obviously. It’s something else. The closest equivalent would be defragmentation. I’ll explain next time when you’re more awake.  
TG: oh okay cool  
TG: well then…good night for real  
TT: Yes. You should sleep. Sleep well.  
TG: thanks  
TG: same to you too  
turntechGodhead [TG] is offline.  
timaeusTestified [TT] is offline.

  


  


Settling into his bed, Dave could see the monitor screen powering down as the computer went into sleep mode. Even so, he could still hear the faint humming, whirring of the machine in the background and it was pleasantly soothing, reminescent of breathing. Pulling the blankets over his head, Dave easily fell into slumber with Dirk’s quiet ‘breathing’ in his ears.

  



	6. Big Brother

## 6\. Big Brother

School had finally ended much to Dave’s relief. And best of all, it was a motherfucking Friday which meant a nice long weekend smashing through new game high scores with Dirk and his friends online, making a new rap masterpiece and _maybe_ , for once, he just might be able to kick Bro’s ass for the rude waking involving a bucket of ice water and smuppets. 

Forcing his way through the moving crowd, he reached his door locker and placed his bag on the floor. After fumbling with the combination lock for a moment, he successfully opened his locker and started retrieving some notes to revise over the weekend. Dave tried to be quick about it, not wanting to spend more time than necessary in the school compound. He also wanted to avoid Mike Carson’s attention.

“Hey.” A girl’s voice spoke from behind him. Dave wondered if he should ignore her and continue with his packing or turn around and engage in meaningless small talk with a stranger. Well, what the heck. Why not indulge a girl with a Strider’s personal attention? So Dave closed his locker and leaned against it as he faced the girl. He was very careful not to let his face show his dismay when he realised that the girl was the same brunette from his class who had passed him the note, and more _importantly_ , she was also Carson’s ex. 

“Sup.” Dave said as he warily eyed the girl behind his shades. The brunette crossed her arms and arched an eyebrow. She said, “Why did you say no?”

“Do I really have to give a reason?” Dave said. “Sorry to break your heart, but I’ve got to get going.”

“You don’t even know my name, do you?” The nameless girl looked irked. 

“So?” Dave locked up his locker and picked up his bag. He began to walk away, “See you next week.”

The girl raised her hand to slap him and Dave easily saw it coming. It was very slow compared to Bro’s devastatingly fast movements. He pointedly suppressed his instinctive reflex to dodge. A loud crack resounded through the air as the girl’s palm connected with his left cheek. The girl spat, “My name’s Amanda, asshole!” and stormed away.

Dave rubbed his reddening cheek with a put upon sigh. It was still better than being harassed by Carson and his goons. He leveled a cool gaze at the gawking observers and remarked, “You must lead very boring lives.”

  


* * *

  


TT: Looks like it’s going to bruise.  
TG: yeah but ive had worse  
TT: From the strifes?

  


Dave leant back in his seat as he mulled over his answer. His cheek was sore and he was pressing an ice pack to it. He shrugged and replied, “Very rarely actually. Bro might constantly beat my ass at strifing but he’s always careful not to go overboard. Live blades aren’t toys to be played around with.”

Dirk did not respond for a few seconds. The fan whooshed quietly in the corner of his bedroom.

  


TT: Your answer suggests that other people have injured you before through other means. From our earlier conversations, I am also led to believe that you face persecution from this “Mike Carson”.  
TT: Am I correct?

  


Dave felt extremely embarassed and discomfitted by the new turn of the conversation. Pursing his lips, he typed.

  


TG: keep your virtual nose out of my business its not like you can do anything  
TG: after all youre just a digital entity  
TG: quote “I can’t access or interact with the material world” unquote  
TG: i can handle it by myself  
TT: Right.  


  


Somehow, despite being a digital entity, Dirk managed to infuse an astonishing amount of dry sarcasm into just one word. Dave was almost compelled to give a slow applause. Instead, he looked away and said, “I’m actually quite capable of taking care of myself. It’s just that the school rules don’t allow me to bring my sword therefore I am unable to open a can of whoopass as my sword is my trusty can-opener, literally and metaphorically.”

  


TT: You’re going to blunt the blade.  
TT: But who says that it has to be a sword? Anything suitably long enough will do. Really, Dave, you lack imagination.   
TG: fu  
TT: It never occurred to you, I see. What would you do without me?  
TG: move on with my life as usual  
TT: Ouch. That hurt my non-existent feelings. Do I really mean so little to you?  
TG: pfft drop the ingénue act dirk it doesnt suit you  
TG: its not like i would be able to get rid of you if i actually wanted to  
TT: Indeed.

  


 

Dave had never really thought about removing Dirk from his computer and saw no real need to. It wasn’t as though he was causing any harm other than the slight increase in electricity and Internet bills. Dirk was quite fastidious in managing the amount of energy and Internet data he used. 

When the icons of his friends turned yellow on pesterchum, Dave opened a new group-chat memo. He paused and asked Dirk, “Hey, would you like to join in?”

  
TT: Nah. It would raise too many questions if they ask about me and I can’t provide any real answers.  
TT: Don’t let it stop you from engaging your friends on my account. I can occupy myself quite easily.  
TG: fair enough  
TG: let me know if you change your mind  
TT: I will.  
\- timaeusTestified [TT]ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -

  


 

* * *

“Dave, wake up. You’re going to be late if you continue slumbering.” The voice spoke, rousing Dave from his sleep. Drowsy and reluctant to leave his bed, he stubbornly buried his head under the blankets. He mumbled unintelligibly. 

“Fine. Have it your way.” The voice said. No warning was given as a hand gripped his blanket and yanked it off him, exposing his face to the bright sunlight. A cold wet towel slapped his face. Dave shot upright, screeching in indignant shock as the unpleasant stimulus jolted him awake in a split-second, “What the everloving _FUCK_.”

Bro loomed over him with a quirked eyebrow. He merely raised his arm and showed the face of his watch to Dave. The hour hand was already past 8 and Dave was going to be extremely _late_ for school. Dave immediately sprung out of bed; scrubbing his face clean with the wet towel Bro had so unceremoniously hit him with. He was already halfway through getting dressed at break-neck speed when he finally realised something odd. He hadn’t been woken up by his usual alarm and wasn’t yesterday Friday? 

“…Goddamnit _Bro_.” Dave spun on his feet, ready to give his guardian a piece of his mind but Bro had already left the room like a stealthy motherfucking ninja. No doubt, he was smugly smirking all the way at getting one over Dave again. Gritting his teeth in annoyance, he finished dressing up and plonked himself down in his computer chair. 

  


TT: Well, that was certainly an effective method of waking you up. It’s a great shame that I can’t use it.  
TG: no don't even THINK about it, erase that thought from your electronic circuits right now  
TT: Unless you wish me to self-destruct, I will have to refuse your command. In the meantime, I shall continue to enjoy replaying the memory of your sudden wake-up call.

  


Dave would have loved to smack Dirk at this very moment but alas, as he was a digital entity and intangible, he had to settle for glaring very hard at his web-camera. Dirk radiated smug silence and it was all too easy picturing a younger version of Bro smirking. Talking of which, what did Dirk/Bro look like when he was younger?

  


TG: so  
TG: what did you look like when you were younger?  
TG: i mean when you/Bro were 16 – there arent any pictures  
TT: Ask your Bro.  
TG: nah im still pissed at him for waking me up in such a rude manner  
TG: so that leaves you  
TT: I think, that you should eat your breakfast. Your morning meal of cereals and milk is in imminent danger of becoming smuppet ass.  
TG: how do you even know  
TT: Webcameras.  
TG: fuck  
TG: Bro would _do_ that

  


Dave hastily got off his chair, not keen on having cotton and felt for breakfast. Before he left the room, he pointed finger at his computer and said, “This is not the end of the topic.”

* * *

  


Dave had never flash-stepped so quickly before into the kitchen outside of sparring and the need for aj. Sliding into the room on socked feet, he yelled, “Don’t touch MY BREAKFAST!”

‘’What.” Bro flatly said as he looked up from the television screen that was currently playing an MTV video. Dave stared blankly before he looked at the empty table. Playing it cool, he walked over to the pantry to retrieve his cereals and a bowl, “Just making sure that you didn’t mess with a man’s first meal of the day. It’s not on, especially not after the way you woke me up. It’s Saturday, come on.”

Bro made an amused snort, “You haven’t even grown your whiskers yet. Come back in a few years time.”

Dave rolled his eyes behind his shades as he opened the fridge to get the milk, “And look like a 70s porn-star? No thanks.” He was sorely disappointed to see that there was no milk. Raising his head, he asked, “Hey, where’s the milk?”

“Expired.”

“Huh. Cereals ain’t the same without milk. But whatever.” Dave shrugged and closed the fridge door. At least there was apple juice. He set the bowl down on the table and began to pour cereal, just as a trap door opened above him to rain a rainbow avalanche of smuppets on him. Dave denied the shrill shriek that escaped him as he fell backwards and landed right on a long proboscis that prodded his butt. A pile of cotton and felt soon swamped him.

“Getting slow, aren’t you?” Bro commented as he got up from the couch and sauntered past him. Dave flipped him the finger from within the colourful pile. Bro mock saluted him and said, “When you’re done, go and get more milk. I’ll be down at the workshop.”

“Fine.” Dave surlily replied as he finally escaped from the smuppet pile. Bro raised an eyebrow at him. He said, “Don’t stay cooped up in here all day. Even if you don’t want to walk your lazy ass down the stairs, at least go buy the damn milk. You should also do some kata practices. You’re looking a bit soft-“ Bro poked him swiftly in his belly before Dave could jump out of his reach – “right here.”

“Bro. Go _away_.” Dave hissed like an offended cat as he protectively covered his stomach with his arms. He attempted to kick Bro’s shin but his guardian had already flash-stepped and was at the front door. Bro mock saluted him before he left the flat.

Dave threw himself down on the smuppet pile and tried not to scream in utter frustration. 

(He screamed when Lil Cal unexpectedly appeared from the pile.)

* * *

  


In the end, Dave did obey Bro and went down the many, many stairs of his apartment complex, careful to always keep a hand on the railing. He went to the nearest grocery store and bought a bottle of fresh milk and a large bottle of apple juice to replenish his current supplies. Dave then went back to his apartment complex and groaned at the prospect of having to climb the same stairs again to his flat in the Texas heat while toting milk and apple juice. 

Why was Bro so adverse against elevators?? Did they commit a crime against him or what? As he trudged up the stairs, Dave was quite ready to proclaim elevators as the pinnacle of mankind’s achievements. It would certainly save him a lot of trouble. Fucking. _Stairs_. Dave was red with exertion when he finally reached the familiar white door of his flat. He juggled with the bottles as he awkwardly attempted to unlock and open the door.

After putting away the milk and juice in the fridge, Dave walked back into his room and turned on the fan at full blast. He flopped down onto his bed with a sigh of bliss. Oh yeah baby. He was going to stay indoors in cool shade and breeze. All day. He wasn’t keen on going up to the roof to train and get sunburnt in exchange. 

A ping from the computer alerted him to a message from Dirk.

  


TT: So you went to the grocery store just on the corner on the opposite block?  
TG: yeah  
TG: how did you know that it was that store? i could have gone to any others

  


Dave wasn’t surprised that Dirk knew that he had gone grocery shopping due to the web cameras that Bro had planted all over the flat (except for the bathroom and their rooms). But how did he know which grocery store Dave had gone to?

  


TT: Statistics. I simply calculated the likelihood of you visiting the various grocery stores in Houston.  
TT: I also hacked into the surveillance cameras of the grocery stores to see if there was anyone fitting your appearance patronising the premises.  
TG: huh…

  


Dave felt a bit taken aback at Dirk’s reply. It was skirting rather grey territory. Dirk replied.

  


TT: Joking. I would not have been able to do the latter anyway. The security cameras are isolated within their own network systems that I cannot access. To do so, I would have required physical access.  
TG: …and what does physical access entail?  
TT: Access to their routers or modems. Once that part is cleared, it’s a simple matter of hitching a ride on Internet signals into their systems and cracking them.  
TG: i see

  


Dave shook his head slowly as he realised the possible ramifications of Dirk’s abilities. They could be quite dangerous.

  


TG: well then try not to do it when youre given the opportunity  
TG: its kinda illegal to be hacking into peoples computers and getting all up in their loot  
TT: I wouldn’t be detected or caught if that is what you are worried about. I am much better than the current “anti-viral” software.  
TG: no its about the principle of the thing  
TG: i definitely wouldnt go jumping into peoples bedrooms just to see what they have hidden in their drawers  
TG: its downright rude and considered trespassing  
TG: unless its an explicit invitation to get laid of course  
TT: I see. So you’re saying that I should respect the people’s privacy by not exploring their computers?  
TG: well something like that yeah  
TT: Very well. I understand.  
TG: good  
TG: im glad you understand

  



End file.
